Becoming the Same Man Inside and Out
Goal: To strip away the split between my inner world and outer world so that I am the same man in private as I am in public — fully known, disciplined, and free from the grip of lust.
Vision & Desire
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If I imagine myself 5 years from now, fully free from lust and hiding — what does that man look like?
He’s not anxious. His mind is excited about the current life. He’s got goals and he’s motivated. He’s turned a strong, cold shoulder towards lust, and has an angered drive against women who catch him with their beauty — like a “screw you” attitude towards them. He’s “hard to get”. He has written out his thoughts so that they are processed and clear, and loves to share them with others, as a written piece for what it is. He’s clear. He’s an open-book.
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How does he carry himself, think, and respond in daily life?
He carries himself as a driven man. His back is straight, and his shoulders are not slumped. He has an angered drive toward God, and sets an example for others to take seriously. Others follow in the footsteps toward God. He’s awakened. He’s not sleeping anymore, and is upset about how much has been stolen from him, further pushing him toward God and making haste toward his offense at lust.
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What is it about that version of me that feels worth fighting for?
The drive, and the awakened state of life. The fire. The fight-back from being stuck and bullied, or being a “push-over”.
Motive Check
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Do I truly want to be free from lust, or do I mostly want relief from the shame and anxiety it brings?
I think currently, my actions tell me that I really do want to keep looking at women — their eyes, the connection felt, the attraction feeling, the magnetism. Those feelings pull me. The magical feeling of attraction has me hungry and looking — on the prowl, in the secret. I do want to end it, cause I feel like it’s causing a slow death, but I also keep entertaining this state of being, cause it starts very, very small and lightning quick. So, I think overall yes, but there is an small element of still wanting the draw. So, the draw is what I want to kill now — which is why I’m doing this with you, and trying to take it strongly and seriously. that’s the hunger place that I’m trying to address — not just the consequences, but who I am at the end of the day, when my own heart’s desires are shown for themselves. I want my heart to be cleansed.
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If God stripped away the pleasure but left the temptation, would I still want to fight it? Why?
I’m not 100% sure on what this question means, but if I’m getting this right, the pleasures are why I’m doing it. The temptation is only there because of the hunger to experience the pleasures. I think that if the pleasures were revoked, then the temptation would go away.
Pattern Mapping
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What is the usual chain of events from the first spark of temptation to the moment of falling?
Usually, it starts with a quick glimpse thought of an attractive woman, or with seeing a pretty woman… or sometimes, it’s just thinking of someone that I’m attracted to, and that feeling of attraction starts me down a very quick play-out of how life could be — like daydreaming a scenario or something, where they’re involved in it and she’s looking at me (it’s usually the eyes is what I’m looking for) and we’re connecting. there’s that sense of attraction (both ways), and that feeds this state of hypnosis for me. So in that, I stay yearning for that.
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Time of day?
It can happen any time in the day.
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Mood?
It can happen in any mood.
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Location?
At home, at work, at the church, driving by myself, but always when I’m alone.
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Devices involved?
My phone (which usually means TikTok and any downloaded files from my computer, attached to my documents folder in iCloud), or my MacBook Pro (which that machine currently does have access to porn sites, but I’ll take that and yt-dlp the link into my documents folder in a sub-folder, so that I can see it on my iPhone, which my iPhone has no access to porn sites, since it’s locked by ScreenTime, since I asked Julianna to do that, in an attempt to mitigate the problem and gain trust with her.)
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My thought process at each step?
It depends, but if I see an attractive woman, I’ll try and find her social media account, which spirals into looking into other accounts and feeding my desires slowly. If it’s just me by myself in an aimless state, I’ll open or re-download TikTok, and just start scrolling on there (which already leans heavy into a FYP of young, super attractive ladies, etc. TikTok becomes a gateway.)
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When am I most prone to giving in, and what’s usually missing in my life in those moments?
Usually, I desire sex and intimacy, and I find that it’s not really there. Reality is at a very hard and demanding place, and Julianna is pretty practical and cold towards me. She’s been hurt by me, so she doesn’t look me in the eyes. I find that the freedom is not there, but instead the failure is. I also find that I want to be sexually free and be able to “feed” together with “her” in a consistant way. I’m way more hungry than what I let off… maybe cause of shame or what others would think? I would never want to “consume” someone else, or make them think I want them just for sex. But, I do desire what TikTok and some porn portrays — this relaxed, come-and-eat type of freedom in sex and intimacy. I don’t really like the objectifying stuff, but I do like the beauty and attraction stuff.
Hiding vs. Being Known
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Who actually knows the real me — unfiltered thoughts, failures, and desires?
I personally feel like Julianna and Nina are the couple people who really know me for who I am. I feel like Dave also reaches this category. This is currently. Truthfully though, I feel like nobody really sees the inner world, meaning there’s not one soul on the Earth that knows me for what’s truly going on in the inside. Though I desire for people to know that part of me, it’s hard for me to even put into words, so it’s very hard to paint a picture of what I’m really feeling or to articulate it.
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If nobody does, what would be the cost of letting someone in?
I think the cost would be vulnerability… though I desire it, I feel like to be truly known and seen means no hiding. I think this can also sound exhausting, cause I feel like I recharge by myself and need to hide a bit from people, or else I feel like there’s no escape. So, I do like that little bit of escape, to be able to rest and not have to perform, or feel like I’m under a magnifying glass all of the time. Being known also means some heartbreak because they can tell me what’s wrong with me and those words can go straight to the heart now. It can let in hurt.
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What fear drives me to hide instead of be known?
The way I perceive people think of me… If I perceive that people are annoyed by me or think that I’m in a weird state or hiding or that kind of thing, I start to analyze it and think of how people are seeing me. I feel like it takes my mental energy, and I start getting in this funk. I have a big problem with people pleasing, and I noticed that in some ways, I consider myself a peacemaker, but in the wrong ways, it starts to lean into people pleasing and messing myself into others, as to not cause conflict or to hide or mitigate conflict.
Root Level Questions
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When I strip away the surface (sexual desire, attraction), what deeper need am I trying to meet through lust?
honestly, I don’t feel like I’m trying to control anything or get affirmation or feed my ego or anything like that. I truly just wanna be looked in the eyes, and feel that attraction. I don’t really feel like I sense any other motive or brokenness within it. If there is anything, maybe escapism a little bit. I also find that I feel like I’m drawn to what I cannot have, or what is not mine currently — so that’s why I say the escapism part.
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What is lust giving me in the moment that I don’t feel I get from God or from real people?
I think I get freedom, and no need for responsibility or to produce. I feel like I can just consume and feel relaxed. I feel like lust tells me to eat and be merry — no strings attached.
Discipline & Desire Alignment
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Where in my life do my inner world and outer world already match?
I think the closest would probably be my work and my personality. Everything else doesn’t align fully… And that doesn’t mean that am not extremely dissatisfied with life either — It just means that I tend to meditate upon what is not currently life.
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What’s different there compared to the areas where they don’t?
I think it’s different about my work and my personality, as compared to Where life does not match, is that those are things that I’m not really thinking about too hard. In fact, I’ll be honest that’s not 100% the truth… I feel like that’s a area that’s hard to say the difference between when I’m when my worlds are together and when my worlds are apart, I don’t feel like there’s some answer with my work or with my personality, I think I was just thinking that There’s no other area that I’ve been fully present internally and externally. I do live very much inside and outside I treat them as separate entities so it makes it little bit hard to find an area where I am fully together.
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Where else in life am I tolerating this split without calling it out?
In my words… I see that I say one thing, but then go and do another thing. Julianna has called me out on this, and called me a liar. It’s true — My heart needs to change. I’m splitting what I want to do in my willpower, versus what I’m actually doing in the physical flesh.
7. Spiritual & Physical Training
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Am I willing to submit my sexual imagination to God the way an athlete submits their body to a coach — letting Him set the drills, timing, and limits?
as much as I can will it, yes.
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What daily rhythms am I willing to adopt that would leave no idle space for lust to grow?
I’m willing to adopt any rhythms, to be honest. Any rhythms that will keep me moving, and get me out of the mentality of lust and my own desires.
Follow-Up Reflection: Fire vs. Draw, Being Known, and Training in Tension
Date:
1. Redirecting Desire: Fire vs. Draw
- If every lustful outlet (porn, TikTok, sexualized social media) vanished tomorrow, what’s the first healthy, real-world place I would go to feel alive, excited, and connected instead?
- How could I start using moments of temptation as a trigger to turn toward that outlet instead?
- In what ways can I take the hunger I feel for beauty and connection and channel it into something that builds me instead of bleeds me?
2. Forcing My Inner World Into Language
- In the last 24 hours, what were the uncut, unfiltered thoughts, urges, or emotions I experienced — even the ones I’d rather hide?
- Which of these make me wince when I see them written down? Why?
- What’s one thing from this list that I need to bring to someone I trust, so I’m no longer carrying it alone?
3. Training in the Tension: The Intimacy Gap
- If I had almost no sexual freedom with Julianna for the next 6 months while rebuilding trust, what would I do with that ache instead of numbing it?
- How could I use that ache as fuel to pursue God, purpose, or growth, rather than escape into fantasy?
- What’s one practical habit I can build this week to train my body and mind to live without that escape route?
Notes & Commitments
- My single biggest takeaway from today’s reflection:
- One small, concrete action I’ll take today to put this into practice: